On Monday Jan 31st, almost 4 months past her 75th Birthday, my mom passed away to the ages due to a sudden cardiac arrest. Given that this comes around 2.5 years after my dad passed away, it just seems that the blows don’t seem to stop coming. However, as much as one can spend hours, days, months drowning in sorrow over her death, knowing my mom and how incredibly positive and full of life she was, that is the last thing she would want us to do. The memories of our loved ones are the most cherished and I shall share some of my memories of my childhood that I still remember clearly.
My earliest memories of her were that of a person who always wanted to ensure that, in spite the family trying to just make ends meet, I got the best education and by education, I don’t necessarily mean academics but just all around skills – that’s why, she got me early into cricket, swimming, hockey etc. Like all lower middle class Indian families, academics always came first and all compromises and decisions were made with my that in mind. Btw, this has been a trait that she has rubbed over to both my wife and me for our kids as well and I am so incredibly indebted for her for that upbringing.
However, when I was young, I never looked up to her as the person that I want to emulate. Perhaps, it was because she was “only” a housewife and never went to work and spent most of the time in the kitchen, taking me to the classes, ensuring that my homework was done, I got good grades etc. Would I want to do just that when I grew up? – the answer was a resounding NO – as I realized later on in life, I was so wrong.
Even though she barely made it past 10th grade, she was always poring through my homework, ensuring that I did them correct and got the grades I needed. All along the way, she was learning herself as well. In fact, many times she would ask me questions that would stump me as well. Had she made it to corporate life, I have no doubts in my mind that she would have been very successful given how street savvy she was, how determined and perseverant she was in everything that she did.
She was an incredibly brave woman. As a person, who spent all her childhood and growing years outside a small village in remote Tamil Nadu, she made it to Kolkata with my dad, learnt the language and in no time, she was haggling and negotiating with the local dwellers and ensuring that language never became a barrier for her. She used to speak with all my friends fluently in Bengali and never felt out of place in a Bengali gathering. She was brave enough to send me to my school on public transportation my own starting in 7th grade and she was brave enough to send me to Chennai on my own in a train in 9th grade…all of this in a world without mobile phones, text messages, WhatsApp etc. When I put that in context of today, I am just in awe. I don’t think I have the courage to do that with any of our kids even in today’s super connected world – I just have respect and only respect for her (and my dad) in this regards.
For mostly financial reasons, my mom and dad decided that there were only going to have a single child. But they never let the “single child syndrome” come into my way while growing up. In fact, while growing up, I cannot recall spending any festive or sports occasions alone – either it was with my cousins in Kolkata or it was with my school friends – either at my home or at theirs. These bonds with my cousins and friends are so strong even today that during my tough and darkest hours, they are always the first ones that I lean on apart from my own wife. I can only thank my mom for that because she helped me foster that relationship. I remember during one of the school picnics, I had signed up to take Idlis without really realizing the effort it takes to make them. Those were the days without grinder or instant mixes or ready-made batter. She woke up at around 3 AM, ground the batter in a “stone grinder” manually, then made the idlis and coconut chutney – needless to say, I was sleeping through all of this and when I woke up, they were packed and ready to be taken. I didn’t realize the enormity of this till a lot longer when I was staying alone in US and I was struggling to just make a single roti in the Kitchen.
When I went away to IIT and then to pursue my ambitions in US, coming to think of it now, I can understand how difficult it must have been for her. Her only child, with whom she might have had so many aspirations to do things together – was leaving her to go to another country. But she never ever made me feel weak – being a parent myself, I can understand how hard it was for her. Given that she had the whole day to herself, she started immersing in community and religious services in Kolkata. Two places that come to my mind – Guruvayur Temple (religious Chanting) and Sankara Hall (community get-togethers) in Lake Market. In fact, she created her strongest bonds of friendship with all the ladies there in the last 30 years. In today’s WhatsApp world, they are always connected even when my mom used to travel to stay with us in US. The bond extended to family members also – we all got to know them and their families and vice-versa. In the last 15 years, when she started visiting and staying with us in the US, she extended this religious / community fervor amongst the Tamil ladies in the Bay Area – similar to Kolkata, she very quickly created a strong core group of friends and they participated in many of these services together. In fact, the bond was strong that even Covid could not deter them from these chanting sessions. Every Sunday, religiously, they would all join over Zoom and chant the slokas in turn. Anyway, long story short – this gave her a wonderful sense of identity and purpose apart from her household activities and she was always immensely proud of this.
The last 15-20 years had been my mom’s happiest and fulfilling years by far. When Susmita entered my life, needless to say, Amma took some time to adjust to the new identity of a mother-in-law. Also, Susmita came from a different language and culture – this could easily have become a classic soap opera between a mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. Instead, what I witnessed was a beautiful relationship – one that grew year over year in the last 20 years. Of course, there were differences – but these differences only helped them know each other and created a bond so strong that – after what has transpired in the last 2 days, I have managed to come to grips with it much more than Susmita – who is still down and gut wrenched knowing that Amma is no more.
I am not lying when I say this that I got to know my mom more in the last 15 years than before. The time that she spent with us, taking care of our home when both Susmita and I went to work, taking care of the kids, pampering them, taking them to the parks, teaching them and vacationing with them gave her immense joy and it could be seen in the glow in her face and her twinkle in her eyes in everything that she did. Even though her legs were beginning to hurt, every time there was an opportunity to do things together as a family, she never hesitated and pain took a back seat. Similarly, in Kolkata, when we moved our parents to a much larger and luxurious apartment filled with security, swimming pool, gym etc. – her joy knew no bounds. She did complain that it took her much longer to get to her most visited places in Kolkata but once she got used to the comfort of traveling by her own car, that slowly subsided. In fact, she had gotten so used to living in the apartment that she used to comment that she would rather walk and talk within the apartment complex than go into the hustle and bustle of the main city.
Around 2.5 years ago, we lost Dad – ever since, life had never been the same for her – it was very apparent to me that while she was making the effort because we were encouraging her to do so, there was always a gaping hole in her heart. Her smiles were a bit forced, she didn’t find that extra will to overcome leg pains to go out together (he default answer for any outing was a NO) – but thanks to her own efforts and persistence, she never let the sorrow overcome her. She kept herself going – odd jobs, chanting sessions, meeting up with friends, doctor’s visits etc. Covid did not help – being confined to the home only made her feel more irritable because her life blood was always meeting up with her friends and family. After a year and half of her staying with us during the Covid times, she decided to go to India to meet up with friends and family. Even though she lived in the apartment alone – she was never lonely. She was connected to her friends – both in US and India via WhatsApp on a daily basis, we spoke diligently every day and most importantly, her sister (my Periamma) would be visiting her and staying with her and vice-versa ever so often. Finally, she was so looking forward to coming back to US next week to spend time with us again – but life had different plans for her.
Brave, confident, positive, perseverant, loving and caring is what epitomized my mom. She is no longer amongst us but her memories will always be fresh. I know it sounds odd but instead of being sad on her demise, I would request you to celebrate her life and cherish your memories with her. Knowing her, she would have only wanted that. She is probably sitting in heaven right now right next to Appa and watching their favorite Tamil soaps together on TV and laughing and catching up on the last 2.5 years when they have not been together.
REST IN PEACE AMMA. We love you very much.
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